Change, transition, the unknown… These are not scary words to me. Typically, I love the death and resurrection of self, the ambition of a new adventure, the synchronicities that occur and propel my life magically forward. It’s a potion that makes me come alive. The unknown is my jam!! When accompanied with chronic fatigue, however, I am learning the unknown is NOT my jam. It is indeed a graceless jar of shit that tastes like poodley oodley on burnt toast. The unknown married with fatigue means all bets… are… OFF.
When I’m tired, I get ANGRY. I get accusatory. I tell God and his minion helpers (who so lovingly give me sign after sign that everything is going to be okay, and IS okay) to fuck off and fuck themselves, fuck the cats, fuck the dog, fuck the wallpaper, fuck my camera, fuck my computer, fuck that person, fuck those people, FUCK EVERYONE, fucking fuck the fucking fucks!!! Which is… ahem… concerning.
I have to keep myself from throwing the cats out the window. I have to cement myself to the chair when the garbage truck rumbles up right as my daughter is falling asleep. (I do this so as not to stab the driver in the throat with this pen that feels like MY ONE TRUE FRIEND). Soooo much love for others…
I’m not my best self when I’m tired. I know this. When the doctor told me I had chronic fatigue, I was like– ‘DUH!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! FUCK DOCTORS!!!’
But when I put the brakes on… take a moment to recompose and breathe… OF COURSE, I don’t like feeling like my real self is disappearing or getting lost in the fatigue and mundane of motherhood day to day. This isn’t who I want to be– for me, for my husband or for my daughter!
And love for self? OOF. I can’t even go there right now.
Surprisingly, I only recently put this two and two together– that being shaken when handling transition during the worst fatigue of your life is not only a new normal but it’s pretty freakin’ understandable!! It might take a little time to find your magic, girlfriend! Feeling like a shit pile because I’ve been unable to ground myself, and find comfort in those roots that steady me to the center of the earth and back, I have been beating myself up for the shell that I inhabit. It’s good to be reminded this isn’t easy. It’s a deepening of the lesson plan to get me to a new place, which given the day can be totally annoying or exciting… or really, really annoying. :)
Rather than beat myself up (or beat up the people/animals/entities around me that love me), I’m focusing on the following…
I won’t always live in a dark house.
Where I live won’t always be decorated with animal heads and fishing reel wallpaper.
I won’t always live on this little sleep.
The cats won’t always be indoor cats.
The Small Dog won’t always be so jealous or needy.
We won’t always make bupkis money.
Ruby won’t always wake up through the night.
She won’t always need me to feed her, etc.
I don’t know what’s to come but I know that this time is temporary and I’m doing my best to allow myself a little grace. What more can I expect on two hours of sleep a night?
I know there’s a deeper meaning to all of this, lessons I can take from this aside from ‘parenthood= lack of sleep.’ What is the dialogue that runs through my head when I can’t sleep at four in the morning? What do I tell myself when I look in the mirror? What are the first thoughts that come to mind when my red eyes are bulging like a Disney villain? Is that reality or have I also been listening to the worst version of myself while running the worst dialogue? For the love of God, is ANY of it loving???
Nothing at all against the word ‘fuck–‘ a good swear can be a grossly satisfying relief when the need to express frustration feels like sickness. But here’s hoping a deep breathe or two can give me just enough awareness to add some softer words to my vocabulary. I haven’t used ‘shit’ in a while? Ha! It seems almost godly in comparison to what’s been coming out of my mouth!
Here’s to GRACE… Here’s to BREATH… and Here’s to BECOMING. xoxo