The Art of Receiving (Also some singing)

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of receiving lately... and how it has been a foreign concept to me most of my life. But this is changing... Here's the scoop:

Just two days in daycare and Ruby gets sick. *facepalm*

She then proceeded to give her crud to Lliam. Then, to me. *double whammy facepalm*

This wouldn't be the end of the world except that I just started a job at the beginning of the month. Not only did I have to take time off to take Ruby to the doctor, now I am sick and that's more time off. All which effects my paycheck. It's my worst nightmare as a single mother. Not making enough AND disappointing new bosses. With a 30 day trial period, do I even have a job to go back to?

I'll be honest... It really freaked me out for a hot second. Usually I am the one who stays late, comes in early. Covers all the shifts for those that call out sick. Takes the worst shifts. I come in with ideas, better ways of doing things. I'll increase your sales and create new customers, etc. I'm exactly who anyone would want to hire.

Now that I'm a working mom? Ohhhhh... the game has changed. Suddenly I can't be at anyone's beckoned call. I can't be the one to put out fires. Having to ask if you can leave half an hour early to pick your kid up from daycare? Saying weekends are off the table because you can't afford the extra childcare? I immediately feel guilty, unworthy and fire-able.

I joked recently about a job at a four star hotel in Charleston I turned down, saying they wanted me to scoop gelato in a suit. True story! (Let's just put astronauts in prom dresses is my thinking...) What I didn't say was that 70% of the interview was completely illegal. Asking me questions about how I could move to Charleston and afford it all as a single mother. What about daycare? Had I looked into schools? How old was my daughter? Do I have other dependents counting on me? How far away was the closest help? What part of town was I going to live in? (Places were suggested based on commute times). I didn't realize it until after I left why I felt so angry and combative, and why, in my gut, I was seeing red flags everywhere, even though it didn't necessarily feel uncommon. OH!!!! Because the interview had nothingggg to do with my competency as a manager and everything to do with my competency as a single mother. Infurrrrriating.

The thing is... I've always been an over giver. Over achiever. I've lived, breathed and died 1,000 deaths for places I've worked out of loyalty. I've absolutely been taken for granted and it's my own damn fault. Most businesses will ALWAYS take.

I got a taste of freedom, however, working at the Mazama Store for an incredible boss. People were so adamant I go home, that the place wouldn't burn down, that it's okay if we ran out of stuff in the pastry case the next day-- "Go for a hike! It's gorgeous out! There's new fresh snow-- I bet you can ski right out your front door in Lost River!" (Yes! It was glorious). The idea that anyone would live to work was such a foreign concept there. It was a big shift for me. This experience was life changing. Truly.

It was the first time I was valued for doing my job. Not doing my job and everyone elses. Just doing MY job! And then going home. I didn't have to stay late, break my back, etc. It was really hard to shake off 20 years of habit and it wasn't until I got pregnant that I actually listened. (Old habits die hard). And yet, when I was working there, I find it 'interesting' that I was able to buy a house when I had that job. Almost like it was easier to manifest because I was happy with what I was doing. I had a very real work/life balance.

In my career, I've learned there are VERY few jobs in this world that are worth joint and back pain. Measly paychecks. Time away from family. Time away from passion projects. Jobs that expect loyalty. I always felt guilty leaving a job because I didn't want to leave anybody in a lurch, etc. (Guess what, they all hired new people, those places are still running and no one died). I've learned over the years, I'm not the end all be all. I'm completely and totally disposable. Thank God for that!

But my current situation triggered me back to square one. If I have to call out from sickness, or because of my kid, how was I worth anything? Why would they want to keep me? What about my humanity? Do I get to be a human?

I have literally given, given, given, given and given... to bosses, in relationships, friendships, etc. And you know what? While a lot has changed over the years as I've evolved and grown (you can only know what you know when you know it)... Maybe, just maybe, it's MY time to RECEIVE.

Maybe I get to be human. Maybe I get to have a company show up for me more than I show up for them just this once. Maybe the scales get to even themselves out finally. What if we demand more from the places that we work? But is it really demanding more? Or is it just demanding reciprocity? Connection? Maybe I don't have to apologize twelve ways to Sunday for not being able to show up for a few days, even during the worst possible time for them. Maybe something that is completely out of my control (I swear I haven't licked any subway railings lately) gets to be what it is. Maybe we all get to learn compassion, grace and mercy in really unfortunate situations. Bring a bit of humanity back. 'It takes a village.'

As I've said many times on my spirituality channel, there's a pre-Covid and a post-Covid. I know it's all the rage right now to say that 'People don't want to work!' Businesses are struggling to find workers, etc. But in my humble opinion, 'they' are wrong. People DO want to work. But they want to work jobs where they feel appreciated. Where they are seen as people, not just minions. They don't want to work for $7.25 an hour. And they certainly don't want to destroy their bodies when they can't even afford healthcare. They don't want to be degraded. People are tired of being robots.

Humanity is looking for something more. Something that feels real. Feels soul filling. We're looking for purpose. True connection. And at the very least, we're looking to balance out the scales from years of over giving. I guess I can't speak for anyone else but I do speak for myself. I am ready to receive. You hear me, New York? I AM READY TO RECEIVE!!! (A very obscure Muppets Take Manhattan reference that I would call 'a far stretch' in making sense to anyone, lol).

It's my turn. Maybe it's yours as well? Something to think about...

Also, I felt like singing before I moved and recorded this song a while ago. I'm not as cool as The Motels, I know. And I didn't want to post it because I hate how I look singing and only hear imprecations, my voice doesn't sound how I think it does, I don't have proper equipment, etc. But whatever, WHO CARES, THAT'S ALL CRAP, RAIL AGAINST YOUR FEARS AND DO THE SCARY THING...., blah, blah, blah-- share your art.

Much love, friends. Hope everyone is well and happy. xoxo

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