Pregnant. I stared at the little plus sign for quite a while. Am I sure it's a plus? I was running on such adrenaline, is it possible I made a mistake? Do I just wantit to be a plus and it's not a plus? I can't believe I actually want it to be a plus.... Do I really want it to be a plus? Whoam I????
Back in college with my girlfriends, our goal was to get degrees, an education and rack up a slew of fun experiences, but there is a joke in Christian college that women are mostly at school for their 'MRS. Degree.' And ooooooh, I was soooo on board for that major! Amongst my friends, we all wanted to be married, find our 'soul mate' and have a gaggle of children.
However, after NOT meeting Mr. Perfect at Christian college, I moved to LA to pursue acting. I figured if I wasn't going to get married out of college like everyone else, I wasn't going to put my life on hold. As I soon learned, finding my 'soul mate' was going to be a challenge. LA is not the kind of place where you're going to find a laundry list of good guys, Christian or not. With a host of gorgeous women to choose from, in an incredibly (can-be) superficial environment, there really is no incentive for men to get married. I was chunky, shy, lacked confidence and it just never worked out for me. So I kept making choices outside the marriage box.
Another year went by, and then five. Ten. I continued to get older. When you see that marriage might be something that never happens for you, you begin to see your life differently. You lessen your tunnel vision. The box opens and there is a whole world out there, outside of kids. Few women get to see it really-- wild possibility outside of the cultural norm. I widened my dreams to include travel and adventuring. I learned that living passionately and choosing directions different than most energized me. Twenty years later, I found myself asking if I even wanted kids. I could barely relate to my 23 year old self.
Then I unexpectedly met my honey at the age of 36, we got married at 38 and the baby inquiries rolled in. I realized I still had time. Very little time, but time. There was a lot of pressure. I am older. Could we even have kids? When we talked about kids we decided we wanted them but we'd always kind of laughed nervously about it and never made any plans, mostly due to the financial monster that lurked behind the idea. It's crazy to open your door to that guy. We'd neverbe able to afford to have kids. Let's let the universe decide! If it happens, it happens... And then it doesn't have to be our fault. Ha!
I went to see my psychic while I was visiting in Los Angeles. She was terrible! She answered none of my questions. Instead, she told me there was a 'baby soul lurking out there that wants you to be her mommy.'
I ignored that and asked her if I should play the lottery. Do I have lucky numbers? When do I get rich? She said that all of the creative things we had been talking about won't happen for a few years really anyway, so why not have a baby girl!
I told her that my husband and I were on board with letting the universe decide and she shut that down pretty quick. She said that the baby wants to know it is safe and that you're excited and more than "Egh, whatever, kid." She said we'd need to take responsibility and invite her. None of this sounded like a surprise financial windfall from a deceased, unknown relative to me.
I mentioned to the psychic that I felt like, for many reasons, I was finally discovering myself for the first time and that my life was just beginning. I had all of these creative aspirations, I didn't want to feel like my life was being put on hold again. She drew some cards, took a breath and then said that this child is 'gifted intuitive' and while I don't exactly remember what she said... what I heard was... This baby is going to make you laugh. This baby is going to be a muse. This baby is going to help heal. This baby is going to get you out of your head. This baby is going to teach you how to love yourself, others and the world around you. This baby will breathe new life, not suck it out of you.
It is A LOT these ears have put on Baby Soul. Ha!
I always thought I was going to have a little girl. I think it's the close connection I had with my mom as a child. Yet, in all of my adventuring I had never allowed myself the idea that a child would do anything but drain me and make me crazy. I imagined myself as the neurotic mom on 'Modern Family' and I immediately hated the idea of that person. Or, the opposite, that I would entirely put my life on hold and live for my child, like I see soooo many women do. I think I just needed to hear somebody say that this was going to be an inspired thing... even add to my existence?
So, here we are... After the shock wore off, an excited reality has set in. Again, I have lessened my tunnel vision. The box has opened and this time there is a whole world in front of me that shows a different kind of adventure where all of my loves, and a new love, will meet. Once again I am energized by choosing a path different than what I had envisioned for myself, choosing a path that feels scary but true. There is a plus sign and with it comes an intuitive, little Aquarius baby! We've been calling her Baby Soul.